WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
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DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.