‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
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So true for me
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Labreador
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Owl Sanctuary
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks