I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
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I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode