ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
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Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Not😆🤣
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.