My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
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I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like