I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
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me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Möther may I have a snäck
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.