Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
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[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Smells like a challenge to me
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Sex so good you see dead people.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.