I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
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Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
He is just living hist best little life 😊
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago