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*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Why is everyone getting married at me
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
TOM HARDY: βI am a necessary evil!β
TOM SOFTY: βI canβt have anything too spicy before bed.β
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
My son told me he got me something βpretty expensiveβ for Christmas, and if itβs not a vacation home in Bora Bora Iβm disowning him.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, βYouβre barking up the wrong tree.β
This is my pinned tweet
hitlerβs mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoaβ¦thatβs enough
2) see number 1
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Kids are fun because theyβll barge in the bathroom when you say βdonβt come in, Iβm nakedβ and then get mad at you because youβre naked.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says theyβll do the dishes after they βrelax for a little bitβ.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Rooting for the overdog
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.