What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
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My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”