Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
You Might Also Like
Anyone really
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
This took me a second..
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
What number SPF blocks people?
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!