Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
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Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted