wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
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Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Oh the world we live in…
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
This could be us… but you playing
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss