I unironically love this joke.
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ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]