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*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Guys, I found it.