Do not steal food from the science building!
You Might Also Like
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”