I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
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moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Perfection.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from