People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
You Might Also Like
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
I’d use my best pan on you.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit