doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
You Might Also Like
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Every. Damn. Time.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program