Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
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a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Good dog. ❤️
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.