If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
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Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
When life hands you women, make women laid.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed