Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
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LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
There is no “we” in pizza
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist