‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
You Might Also Like
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
#inspiration #foodforthought
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy