My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
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Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please