Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
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I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!