*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
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Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Nice try Hitler
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]