One cake enters. No cake leaves.
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I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”