Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
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Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.