Kermit goes Blue.
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Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.