China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
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Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Geez man, take it easy.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.