MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
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Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.