*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
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Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
This is my emotional support knife.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit