*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
You Might Also Like
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Pat is about to own someone
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
asked my bf how work was today
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”