[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible đ
date: yes đ
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
You Might Also Like
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
canât wait for 65 million years after weâre extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGELâS BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: iâm telling god
AB: iâM TeLLiNg gOd
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I donât know sign language…
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. âsee how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympianâs shot put?â great point, iâll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Confuse people by affixing âbut not necessarily at this junctureâ to the end of each sentence.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, âsupposably.â
God: You know what? Letâs make a hell, too.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Iâm not exaggerating when I say Iâm into old guys â the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkinâ…
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that personâs life for 26 dollars.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancĂ©, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if theyâre carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.