I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
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My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.