Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
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Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
“What?”
– Jude
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”