Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
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Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!