if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
You Might Also Like
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.