Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
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I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I have questions??
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?