Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
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[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
At least he brought enough for everyone
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
The news
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?