My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
You Might Also Like
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.