Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
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Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?