4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
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I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I know
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.