[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
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I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.