Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
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I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
British websites use biscuits.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Woke up against my better judgment again
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*