Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
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If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Those are good neighbors.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Namaste
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.