I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
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“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person