“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
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Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.