Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
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*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Me buying fruit and veg
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie