Smile they said.
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I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
FRED: right
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?